Project B - TSP Episode 4

Threadbare South Park
Episode #4: "Project B and the No-Girls Card"
(TSP Season 1 Episode 4)

NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. Being South Park, there's some naughty language. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade, beginning around two weeks after the trial in Part 3.
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ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY 'THREADBARE'...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.


The episode opens with an outside view of the Marsh house in the evening. Inside, Stan and Charlie sit on the couch watching Terrance and Phillip.

Phillip: Say, Terrance, do you feel a draft?

Terrance: Why, no, I can't say I do, Phillip.

Phillip: What about now? [Farts]

Charlie and Stan laugh. Shelly walks into the room, glaring.

Shelly: This show is so stupid! You two are retarded!

Charlie (in a sputtering voice, mocking Shelly's): Shorry, Shelly.

Stan laughs.

Shelly: You little brat!

Stan (mocking Shelly): Jeeshush, shtop it, Shelly! You have got to chshill out!

Shelly: I'm going to kill you both!

Charlie and Stan jump off the couch and run in opposite directions. Randy and Sharon enter the room from the kitchen as a loud thumping noise is heard. Shelly has somehow managed to knock over both Charlie and Stan.

Sharon: Okay, kids, settle down. Come into the dining room for a family talk.

Stan: Aw, but Mom, Terrance and Phillip is on!

Sharon: Now, Stanley. Charlotte, you too. We have something very important to discuss.

Stan and Charlie look at each other. Charlie shrugs. They then enter the kitchen with Randy, Sharon, and Shelly. They all sit down at the table.

Stan: So what's so important?

Sharon: Well, Stanley, your father and I have noticed that you and Charlie have been getting along much better over the past two weeks. Do you two like to play together?

Charlie: Yeah.

Stan: Sure.

Sharon: Do you think you'd want to spend a lot more time playing together?

Stan and Charlie glance at each other.

Stan: …Uh… Why?

Randy: Well, sport, it looks like Charlie is going to be staying here for a little longer than we first thought. She's going to be here for at least another two weeks.

Shelly: What? This is totally unfair!

Stan: Hey, just because your face sucks doesn't mean you have to take it out on everyone else!

Stan and Charlie laugh.

Shelly: You little brats!

Sharon: Now, kids, Charlie is our guest. She's been through a lot over the past few weeks, and I want you to be considerate of that.

Stan and Shelly (Stan sweet, Shelly sour): Sure, Mom.

Sharon: Now, you two go on upstairs. Your father and I have to talk with Charlie in private for a little while.

Stan: What, why? What's so private?

Sharon: Go on, Stanley.

Stan: Psh, fine.

Stan and Shelly leave the room.

Sharon: Charlie [she pulls out a notepad and pen], do you remember the last time you heard from your dad?

Charlie: Well… [she thinks for a moment] I think it was on my birthday, when I turned eight. He called us then.

Sharon: Okay… and do you know where he was living then?

Charlie: He said he was going to go to Nashville. He's gonna be a country music star.

Sharon: Of course he is, sweetie. Now, I want you to think hard… Do you remember anywhere else your dad said he might be living, or moving to, or visiting?

Charlie: I don't think so.

Sharon: [Sigh] Okay, dear.

Charlie: What's going on?

Randy: They're having a harder time finding your dad than they expected. Your mother won't give the police any information, and, well… if they don't find him soon, you and your siblings will have to go to Child Protective Services and be put in foster families.

Charlie (looking horrified): What?

Sharon: In the meantime we're happy to keep you here.

Charlie: But… But what about Becca and Davy?

Randy and Sharon glance at each other.

Sharon: They're still with the Broflovskis and Cartmans for now, so let's not worry about that, all right, dear?

Charlie looks down.

Charlie: Okay. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh.

Sharon: Now, why don't you go brush your teeth and get ready for bed?

Charlie hops out of the chair and walks out of the room. At the top of the stairs, Stan is waiting for her.
Stan: Dude, what did they say?

Charlie: They just asked me some stuff about my dad. I guess they still can't find him.

Stan: Are you okay?

Charlie: Yeah, I'm fine.

She walks into Shelly's room. Shelly is staring in a mirror, popping a pimple.

Shelly: Jesus, you little brat! Get out!

Charlie backs out of the room. Stan's still standing there.

Stan: Do you wanna finish watching Terrance and Phillip?

Charlie shrugs.
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Flip scene to the two of them sitting on the couch. Someone on TV farts. Stan laughs, Charlie looks glum.
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It's the same evening at the Cartman house. Ms. Cartman is sitting with Eric on the couch. Eric looks pissed.

Ms. Cartman: So you see, honey-buns, we're just going to have to take care of Becca for an eensie-weensie bit longer than Mommy expected.

Cartman: But Moo-ooom! You promised! You promised and I don't wanna share my house with another child!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, Eric, you know that I love you very much. And you've been such a good boy in helping take care of Becca. Mommy is very proud of you.

Cartman: Whatever, Mother.

Ms. Cartman: Just think, Eric. Becca was living in a scary, angry place with a mean mommy and no one to take care of her. She must be so much happier here with a new mommy and a special big brother.

Cartman looks mortified.

Cartman: I am NOT anyone's big brother. And you are NOT anyone's mother.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, I know, sweetie-boop. I'm just so proud of what a wonderful big boy you've become. Is there anything Mommy can do to make you feel better?

Cartman: Well I'd love it if Mommy would get the hell out of my face for a minute!

Ms. Cartman: All right, sweetums.

Ms. Cartman gets up and leaves. Cartman sits with his arms crossed. Becca runs up to the couch with dark stuff smeared on her face and something in her hands.

Becca: Eric, guess how many chocolate chips I counted?

Cartman looks questioningly at her.

Becca: I counted thirty-five, and I ate them! Do you want one? [She extends a hand full of "chocolate chips"]

Cartman: Mooom!

Ms. Cartman comes walking in.

Ms. Cartman: Yes, sweetheart?

Cartman: Becca's eating kitty turds.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, Becca, that's very naughty of you!

Becca: I counted thirty-five!

Ms. Cartman: No, no more eating kitty poopies! [She picks up Becca]

Becca: Eric!

Cartman: What?

Becca: They tasted like poop.

Cartman looks disgusted as Ms. Cartman carries Becca away.

Cartman (thinking): Dear God, she's disgusting… So why am I not more outraged that she's staying? I mean, she eats my food, plays with my stuff, wakes me up at night, hogs my mom's attention… [He suddenly looks shocked and horrified.] Dear sweet Jesus! I… I actually LIKE having a little sister! [He now looks thoughtful.] This doesn't make any sense. I hate sharing. I hate children. This is entirely against my nature. This can only mean one thing. …Someone is performing mind-control experiments on me. Warping my emotions and behaviors into that of a twisted, nurturing pussy. Only three questions remain: how, who, and… why.
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The same night at the Broflovski house, Kyle is in his room, doing homework, when he hears his mother's voice down the hall.

Sheila: Well he seems like a well-adjusted baby, but honestly, I'm not related to the family and I just don't have the time or energy to take care of him anymore.

Kyle sneaks out into the hallway to just outside his parents' room. His mom is talking on the phone. He listens.

Sheila: If they really don't think they'll find his father soon, then I think it'd be best for him to go to a foster home. (Pause.) Mhm. Oh that's wonderful. Okay then. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye now.

Kyle rushes away from his mother's door and downstairs. He picks up the phone and dials Stan's number. Randy picks up.

Randy: Hello?

Kyle: Um, yeah, can I talk to Stan?

Randy: Sure, let me get him… STAN! PHONE'S FOR YOU!

Stan: Hello?

Kyle: Stan, we've got a problem. Charlie's gonna flip out.

Stan: Huh? What is it?

Kyle: I just overheard my mom talking to someone on the phone about putting Davy in a foster home.

Stan: Holy shit, dude! (Off the phone) Charlie!

Kyle: No, no, wait, don't tell her!

Stan: Huh? Why not?

Kyle: It'll really freak her out. We shouldn't say anything until we're sure. Just act normal.

Charlie walks up to Stan on his side of the line.

Charlie: Yeah?

Stan: Uh… Kyle wants to talk to you. If he asks for me again, tell him I'm getting ready for bed.

He hands her the phone and leaves. Kyle slaps his forehead.

Charlie: …Hello?

Kyle doesn't say anything.

Charlie: …Hello? Kyle, are you there?

Kyle hangs up.

Charlie: Son of a bitch.

She hangs up the phone and doesn't really go anywhere. A few seconds later, the phone rings again. Charlie picks it up.

Kyle: What the hell, dude?

Charlie: I could ask the same of you, Kyle.

Kyle: …Is this Charlie?

Charlie: Yeah.

Kyle: Look, can you please get Stan to come back to the phone?

Charlie: What for? Were you guys talking about me?

Kyle: No! Just, listen, could you two both come to my house?

Charlie: Right now?

Kyle: Can you?

Charlie: I think so. Why?

Kyle: Just get over here.

He hangs up. Charlie stares at the receiver, a bit confused. She hangs it up and goes over to Stan's room.

Charlie (opening the door): Stan, what were you and Kyle—

Stan is naked except for his hat. For about a second they stare at each other, horrified. Then, simultaneously, Charlie shuts the door and Stan says:

Stan: Jesus Christ! Close the door! Close the door! Close the door!

Outside, Charlie stares straight ahead, open-mouthed. Inside, Stan has the same expression and is bright red.

Stan (whispering): Holy shit.
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Stan and Charlie walk to Kyle's house with awkward conversation mixed with awkward silences.

Stan: Never open my door without knocking again. Seriously. You… You suck.

Charlie: …You should really lock the penis. Door! Door! I meant door!

Stan: …Shut up.

They reach the Broflovski house. Kyle is waiting for them and he opens the door right away. Seeing their shocked and uncomfortable expressions, Kyle looks at them both.

Kyle to Stan: You didn't say—

Stan: Nope, shut up, Kyle.

The three go up to Kyle's room.

Charlie: What's up? You guys have been acting really naked—I mean, weird! Weird! Weird!

Stan: Shut up, Charlie!

Kyle looks at Charlie, then at Stan, then back at Charlie.

Kyle: Um… Well, I wanted you guys to come over here because—

Charlie: It's Davy!

Kyle: Huh? What?

Charlie: He's crawling like a champ!

Davy crawls into the room, followed by a bouncing Ike. Charlie hurries over to Davy and picks him up.

Charlie: You're crawling so well, Davy! I'm so proud of you!

Davy spits up all over his shirt and coos.

Stan: Oh, sick, dude!

Charlie sits down and bounces Davy on her lap. Davy giggles.

Charlie: Who loves Davy? Charlie loves Davy!

Stan and Kyle exchange glances, then they whisper to each other.

Stan: Wow, this is really going to suck, dude. Did you ask your mom if it was really happening?

Kyle: Yeah, it is. And it's happening tomorrow.

Stan: Tomorrow?

Kyle: Shh!

Charlie is now playing peek-a-boo with Davy.

Charlie: Where's Charlie? Peek-a-boo! Where's Charlie? Peek-a-boo!

Davy spits up again.

Stan: Aw, seriously, that's gross.

Charlie: Now will you tell me what we're over here for, Kyle?

Kyle hesitates, looking at Charlie and Davy.

Kyle: I… I just wanted to show you how well Davy was crawling.

Stan and Charlie both stare at him.

Kyle: He's standing up a little too. I just… thought you'd want to see him, I guess.

Charlie: Oh. Thanks. He is doing great for such a little penis. Guy. Not penis. Guy. I meant guy.

Stan: What's that supposed to mean? "Little?"

Charlie: It doesn't mean anything! I have no point of comparison!

Kyle: What are you two talking about?

Charlie: Naked! I mean nothing!

Kyle: Charlie saw you naked, didn't she?

Stan: …Yes.

There is silence for a moment, then Kyle starts laughing, to the annoyance of Stan and embarrassment of Charlie.

Stan: Shut up, Kyle! [Kyle keeps laughing.] Way to go, Charlie.

Charlie: Honestly, I'm just glad I wasn't the naked one.
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Cartman is in his room, standing in front of a large dry erase board. He rubs his chin thoughtfully. We are now shown the board, which is labeled "Project B: Suspects". There are pictures of Ms. Cartman, Charlie, a heretofore unknown woman, Kyle, and Becca. In parentheses, he has also written "CIA?" There's a knock at the bedroom door. Cartman walks up to the door but doesn't open it.

Cartman: Did you come alone?

Voice: Yeah.

Cartman opens the door and Craig walks in. Cartman quickly closes the door behind him.

Craig: Um, so what's going on?

Cartman: You're the only person I feel I can truly trust, Craig. Your apathy is finally becoming useful.

Craig: What are you talking about?

Cartman: Project B, Craig. Someone is taking control of my thoughts and emotions. Feelings of resentment and anger are being replaced by sweetness and nurturing. And this whole charade revolves around one little pain-in-the-ass: [He points a pointer at the picture of Becca] Becca Pierzynski.

Craig: You mean Charlie's little sister?

Cartman: Yes I mean Charlie's little sister!

Craig: She's staying at your house, right?

Cartman: Yes. And I received word tonight that her stay is to be extended indefinitely. And do you know how that makes me feel?

Craig: Sweet and nurturing?

Cartman: Exactly. Craig, you've known me for a long time. Tell me: have I ever, over the past eight years, expressed said emotions?

Craig thinks for a few seconds.

Craig: Uh, no, I don't think so.

Cartman: It is so uncharacteristic of me that I am convinced that one or more of these groups or individuals is using methods as of yet unknown in order to produce this reaction. The suspects I've gathered so far include Charlie Pierzynski, my mom, Kyle Broflovski, Child Protective Services, the CIA, or even little Becca herself. You see, each of these parties has a potential motive. Charlie, apart from being a pain-in-the-ass little bitch, appears to be quite attached to her siblings. By forcing me to react positively to her sister's presence, she improves Becca's quality of life and reduces the chances of Becca being moved to a less accessible home. My mother appears to enjoy having a little girl to pamper, and could quite possibly be bending me to accept Becca into the family and improving my so-called "poor" attitude in one fell swoop. While Kyle has less of a direct motive, apart from a desire to screw me up, he could be trying to mold my thoughts to please Charlie. [He puts a hand by his mouth and leans in toward Craig.] I think he's got a "thing" for her.

Craig: Ew, gross. She looks like a boy.

Cartman: I know, right? Now, to continue: The CPS has a hell of a time trying to put these little brats in foster homes. They could have developed a form of mind control to use on me and other potential foster families to create some sort of emotional bond between the person and the child in question, since it's way easier to keep a kid in the same home than move it around all the time. I'm more dubious about the CIA's involvement than the others, but they have been known to perform mind-control experiments in the past, so I would be foolish to ignore the possibility. And finally, my last suspect: Becca.

Craig: The four-year-old?

Cartman: Four-and-a-half, CRAIG. Almost four-and-three-quarters. Get with the program.

Craig: But do you really think a four-year-old—

Cartman: Four and a half.

Craig: …Do you really think a four-year-old could invent a way to completely manipulate your emotions? That seems kind of unlikely.

Cartman: Not if she's secretly a genius.

Craig: Did it ever occur to you that you might not be under mind-control at all, and maybe you just like having the kid around?

Cartman walks up to Craig until their faces are almost touching.

Cartman: Craig, listen to me: I do not "just like having the kid around"!

The door opens a little and Becca peeks into the room.

Becca: Eric?

Cartman: What? What do you want?

Becca: Are you going to tell me a bedtime story tonight?

Cartman glances at Craig, who stares at him with raised eyebrows.

Cartman: No bedtime story for you… annoying little kid.

He nudges her out of the room and closes the door. He faces Craig, who stares at him.

Cartman: Stop looking at me like that, Craig.

Craig doesn't move.

Cartman: Stop looking at me with those judging eyes! Craig, I mean it!

Craig doesn't move.

Cartman: …Fuck you, Craig!

Craig flips him off but otherwise doesn't move.
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The next day, Sharon, Randy, Shelly, and Charlie are eating breakfast. Stan walks by the kitchen.

Stan: I'm going to Kyle's house.

Randy: Okay, son.

Charlie: Hey, wait, can I come too?

Stan: Um, sorry, no girls allowed.

He goes outside and slams the door.

Charlie: Damn it! They're starting to play the "No girls" card!

Sharon: Young lady, language!

Charlie (with her hands over her mouth): Sorry.
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Charlie rings the doorbell of the Cartman house. Ms. Cartman answers.

Charlie: Hi. Um, are Eric and/or Becca here?

Ms. Cartman: Come on in, dear. Becca is down for a nap, but Eric is here watching television. Eric, one of your little friends is here!

Cartman is sitting on the couch eating a plate of waffles. He looks bewildered by Charlie's arrival.

Cartman: She's not my friend, Mom.

Ms. Cartman: Alright, snookums.

Ms. Cartman disappears into another room.

Cartman: Um, what the hell are you doing here?

Charlie: Stan went to Kyle's house. He pulled the "no girls" card.

Cartman: Dude, seriously, I can't believe that's the first time he's done that.

Charlie: What do you mean?

Cartman: Well, obviously Stan hates you, and the only reason he lets you hang out with him is because Kyle makes him.

Charlie: That's ridiculous.

Cartman: Really? Is it? Because it seems to me that if he told you the truth and made you fuck off for any other reason besides the fact that you're a girl, all you'd have to do is go crying to Kyle and he'd go ballistic all over Stan's sorry ass.

Charlie: That's stupid. Stan and Kyle are best friends, and I've only known you guys for a month and a half.

Cartman: Oh Charlie; you are so naïve. Well, perhaps it's for the best. Ignorance is bliss, after all.

Charlie: Hey, don't patronize me, you fat-ass! Tell me what you're talking about!

Cartman: You know what? Fuck you, asshole!

Charlie: You'd better not talk like that in front of my little sister!

Cartman crosses his arms and grumbles. Charlie sits down on the couch.

Cartman: Um, so, speaking of your sister…Hey! I'm sitting hee-yah (here)!

Charlie: Yeah, and I'm sitting over hee-yah!

Cartman: Fine! So, uh, speaking of your sister, I guess you really don't like me swearing around her, huh?

Charlie: Wow, you're a real fucking genius, you know that, Cartman?

Cartman: Hey, shut up! [He clears his throat.] But, yeah, so, I bet you wish there was some way you could CONTROL me, you know, to make me like your sister so I'm nice around her, and I don't want to ship her off to an orphanage in Brazil. Right? Does that sound at all familiar?

Charlie: What are you talking about, Cartman?

Cartman: I'm onto you, and your little buddy Kyle. [He faces her and points directly at her face.] You're a little team, aren't you? How does it work? You give the orders and Kyle does the dirty work?

Charlie is leaning away from him, confused.

Cartman: How are you doing it, Pierzynski? Pheromones? Gas? Did you get Kyle to plant something in my food? Is there a microchip under my skin somewhere? [He grabs Charlie by the coat and starts shaking her.] Talk, damn it! I need answers and I need them now!

Charlie pulls herself loose and stands up. She still looks baffled.

Charlie: What's gotten into you, Cartman? I swear, I have no idea what you're talking about. You're freaking me out, dude.

Cartman: The mind control! The bizarre emotions! Dear God, make it stop!

Charlie: I don't know anything about mind control, but if I really had you under it, I would probably tell you to chill out.

Just then, Craig walks halfway down the stairs. He's got a headset on; he's been listening to the conversation.

Craig: Uh, I don't think she's it, Cartman.

Charlie looks up at Craig, now thoroughly confused.

Cartman: Craaaiiiig! You totally just blew your cover! That was the worst sting operation ever!

Craig: This is stupid. There's no way you're under mind control.

Cartman: Fuck you, Craig! Get outta my house! [He glares at Charlie.] You too! OUT!

Craig, angry, and Charlie, freaked out, walk out the front door.

Charlie: What were you guys talking about in there?

Craig: Uh, Cartman thinks he's under some sort of mind control or something.

Charlie: Why?

Craig: He thinks he should hate your sister, but he doesn't.

Charlie: …What?

Craig: Yeah. See you at school tomorrow, I guess.

He flips her off and walks away.
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Meanwhile, Kyle and Stan are trying to convince Sheila to keep fostering Davy. They're inside the Broflovski house, in the living room. Davy is chewing on a teething cookie and Sheila is gathering his stuff.

Kyle: So, uh, you're really dead set on kicking this poor kid to the curb, huh?

Sheila: Kyle, it's for the best.

Stan: But… [He picks up Davy and holds him in front of Sheila.] But just look how cute he is. [Davy spits up.] Adorable…

Kyle: And do you really want to separate him from his sisters? You are going to destroy this kid's psyche before he can even talk!

Sheila: Kyle…

Kyle: Do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life?

Sheila: Kyle, stop being so dramatic. I'm not destroying his psyche. This will be good for Davy; he'll be taken care of by a family that can give him all the attention he needs.

Kyle: We can do that.

Stan: Yeah, you can do that.

Sheila: Kyle, honey, I'm honestly surprised. Just a few days ago you were complaining about Davy waking you up at night. I expected you to be happy that he was moving to another home.

Kyle: But…

Sheila looks at a list of items.

Sheila: All right, it looks like the only thing left is the fold-up crib.

She walks out of the room. Stan and Kyle look glumly at each other.

Stan: Well, it doesn't look like she's gonna change her mind. Now what do we do?

Just then, the doorbell rings. The boys go to the window and see a van in the driveway marked with "CPS".

Kyle: Shit! They're here already!

Sheila (calling from another room): Kyle, honey, could you get that?

Kyle opens the door. A CPS woman—the one from Cartman's "Suspects" board—stands at the doorstep.

Mrs. Borat: You must be little Kyle Broflovski.

Kyle: You must be that stupid bitch who's gonna ruin my friend's life.

Sheila (running up behind him): Kyle! Watch your mouth, young man!

Kyle runs over to Davy and picks him up.

Kyle: You can't have him! He's staying here!

Sheila: Mrs. Borat, I am so sorry about my son's behavior. For some reason he's suddenly grown quite attached to little Davy.

Mrs. Borat: Oh, that's quite all right. That's very common in foster family situations.

Mrs. Borat walks up to Kyle and squats down.

Kyle: You can't have him.

Mrs. Borat: Kyle, I promise that Davy's new foster parents will take excellent care of him. They're a wonderful couple who can't have children of their own, and Davy will be their only foster child as long as he stays with them. He'll get more attention and love than he's ever known.

Kyle is conflicted. He looks at Davy, then at Stan.

Stan: Dude, do what you think Charlie would want.

Kyle looks at Mrs. Borat, and then at Davy. Finally, he slowly hands the baby to Mrs. Borat.

Mrs. Borat: Thanks, Kyle. I promise Davy will be taken care of. All right, boys, let's pack up.

Seven muscular men with bullet-proof vests that say "CPS" come grunting into the room, pick up all of Davy's stuff, and pack into the van.

Sheila: Thank you so much, Mrs. Borat.

Mrs. Borat: It's my pleasure.

Stan and Kyle watch them load into the van through the window.

Stan: Do you think you did the right thing?

Kyle: I hope so.
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Outside, Cartman, who we now see was spying on the house from the front bushes with binoculars, looks surprised as the van drives away with Davy inside. He pulls out a voice recorder.

Cartman: It now appears quite unlikely that Kyle or the CPS is behind my mind control, as both parties were willing to facilitate the removal of the male infant of the Pierzynski family.

He flips off the recorder. He continues to look upset.

Cartman: My God, Becca's gonna be so upset… [He suddenly looks mad and starts looking around, expecting to see someone somehow controlling his thoughts.] Hey, stop it, you assholes! Empathy sucks ass! I wanna be selfish again!

Kyle sticks his head out the door.

Kyle: Hey, get out of my yard, fat-ass!
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That night at dinner, Stan and Charlie are both acting odd.

Charlie to Stan: Can you pass the penis? [She covers her eyes.] I mean, potatoes, potatoes, potatoes?

Stan pushes the bowl of mashed potatoes over to where Charlie is without looking up. Randy and Sharon look at each other.

Randy: Now… now that's what I call a Freudian slip! Heh… heh…

He clears his throat when no one else laughs.

Sharon to Charlie: Is everything okay, dear?

Stan: Nothing's bothering me, I'm fine. Why would anything be wrong? Nothing's wrong.

Sharon: …I was talking to Charlie.

Charlie: I'm fine.

Stan: Yeah, she's fine. Why wouldn't she be? I mean, since nothing's wrong or anything.

Randy: Charlie, could you please pass the noodles?

Charlie: What? Nude? What?

Stan (through his teeth): Dude… the noodles.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, ha ha ha [laughter dry and obviously fake].

They all eat in awkward silence for a moment.

Charlie: These are good penises, Mrs. Marsh. [For a moment she doesn't realize she misspoke again. Stan pushes away his plate and rests his head on the table.] I mean potatoes! Damn it! Damn it! Potatoes, Christ, potatoes.

Charlie covers up her face with her hands and Stan repeatedly bangs his head on the table. Suddenly, Sharon drops her fork and knife, gaping at Stan and Charlie in horror.

Shelly: Mom? What happened? Mom?

Sharon: Shelly, go finish your dinner in the living room. You can watch T.V. for awhile.

Shelly: Sweet.

Stan and Charlie avoid eye contact as Shelly leaves the room.

Randy: Sharon, what-?

Sharon: Shh, Randy, let me handle this. [She breathes deeply and folds her hands in front of her face.] Stanley, Charlotte, I need you to promise to be truthful. Did you two play any sort of little "game" where you took your clothes off and touch each other's privates?

Stan vomits.
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We again see Cartman standing in his bedroom in front of his wall of suspects. The pictures of Charlie, Kyle, and Mrs. Borat have Xs through them. The "CIA?" comment has been scribbled through. Cartman solemnly lifts up a marker and puts an X through the picture of his mom. This leaves only Becca.

Cartman: Holy Jesus! [He puts his hand to his forehead and takes a deep breath.] No, no, I can't be surprised… I guess my research has proven what I've suspected all along. The real culprit here is… [He circles Becca's picture.] …Becca herself.

Becca: What's a "culprit?"

Cartman: Ah!

We now see that, at some point, Becca walked into the room and stood behind Cartman. She is holding Mr. Bananapants and wearing yellow footie pajamas, and she is smiling up at Cartman.

Cartman: Damn it!

Becca stops smiling and takes a step back.

Cartman: Haven't I told you to stay out of my room, missy?

Becca: Yeah, but—

Cartman: So stay out my room! You have got to learn to respect my authoritah!

Becca: I'm sorry for not respecting your authoritah, Eric.

Cartman: Good! Now what did you want, you little brat?

Becca: I just wanted to see what you were doing. I hardly even got to see you all day.

Cartman: Oh, I see, coming to check up on Project B, were we? Well, I've got news for you, you little hell-spawn: I'm onto you! I know all about your little mind-control scheme.

Becca: Scheme? Like what Jews do?

Cartman: Yes! Your little plan is very naughty, Becca! That's very naughty of you! You're being a bad, bad Becca!

Becca: What did I do?

Cartman: Don't play stupid, kid. I already know that you've hotwired my emotions—though I'm still not sure how—to control me for your own nefarious purposes! So tell me how you've done it and cut it out, or I swear to God, I'll kick your sorry little ass!

Becca: I don't know what any of that means, but I'm sorry for being so bad. Are you angry at me?

Cartman stares down at Becca, who has big sad eyes, a sad little mouth, and is clutching Mr. Bananapants while looking up at him. He suddenly has a revelation.

Cartman: Wait, I get it now! You're not consciously controlling my thoughts and emotions… It's all part of your built-in cuteness! Your adorable physical and behavioral characteristics exert an effect on my emotions. You're not doing it on purpose at all!

Becca: Whatever I was doing, I'm glad it was an accident. How do I stop it?

Cartman: Well, for starters, you're going to have to wear this.

He puts a paper bag over her head.

Becca (giggling): I can't see anything!

Cartman: We're going to have to do something about that laugh too. It's like silver sleigh bells mixed with the song of a turtledove.

Becca: Can we make eye-holes in the bag first?

Cartman: [Sigh] Fine, fine, give me that.

He takes off the bag and cuts two holes in the head with scissors. He puts it back on Becca's head.

Becca: Why can't you look at my face or hear me laugh?

Cartman: Don't ask questions; just roll with it, kid. We've got a lot of work to do.

The following montage is set to "I Like Birds" by the Eels. Each short scene is separated by paragraphs. There is no sound in the scenes apart from the music.

In Cartman's room, Becca stands in the background with the paper bag on her head. Cartman is in the foreground searching through his dresser.
Becca (still with the paper bag) steps out of Cartman's closet wearing a big Hawaiin shirt and baggy shorts. Cartman shakes his head.
Becca steps out of the closet wearing a big blue polo shirt and boxer shorts. Cartman gives a thumbs-down.
Becca steps out of the closet wearing a T-shirt tuxedo and too-big bell-bottoms. Cartman grins and gives a thumbs-up. Becca gives a thumbs-up in return.
Becca (with the paper bag and dressed up) and Cartman sit in front of the TV watching Terrance and Philip. Becca and Cartman both laugh (you can tell Becca laughs because her shoulders go up and down) and Cartman glares at Becca, crosses his arms, and shakes his head. He demonstrates holding his nose while laughing. A moment later, another funny event happens in the show. This time, Becca reaches under the bag and holds her nose while laughing. Cartman covers his ears, then grins and gives a thumbs-up.
The two sit at a table with some markers. Becca's paper bag is off; Cartman is drawing on it. Meanwhile, Becca is coloring on a blank piece of paper. She holds it up; it's a smiling flower. Cartman frowns and shakes his head. He takes the drawing, crumples it up, and tosses it.
They stand by the cat's litter box. Becca's paper bag is on (no drawing visible) Cartman points at the litter box. Becca lies down in it and rolls around. Cartman helps by scooping up some of the litter and spreading it on top of Becca. Then he grins and gives a thumbs-up.
Again, the two are drawing like before. This time, Becca holds up a picture of a unicorn. Again, Cartman shakes his head, crumples it up, and tosses it.
Cartman is in front of a blackboard with a pointer. The board has a diagram of a crying person and says "The Art of Fake Crying." Cartman demonstrates a temper tantrum. Becca, bag off, tries pouting and whimpering. Cartman vigorously shakes his head and demonstrates again, pausing at a point to emphasize it. This time, Becca screams and stomps her feet and bangs her fists on the wall. Cartman gives a thumbs-up and grins.
Cartman picks his nose. Becca picks her nose and Cartman grins and starts to give a thumbs-up; then Becca eats it and he looks grossed out.
Again, they are drawing. This time, Becca holds up a picture that is identical to "The Seven Horses of the Apocalypse". Cartman rubs his cheek, draws a lump of poo on the picture with some stink lines, then gives a thumbs up as Becca laughs, plugging her nose. Cartman laughs and puts the paper bag, now equipped with a unibrow and moustache, back on Becca's head.

End of montage.

Becca and Cartman stand in Cartman's room again. Becca is dirty, wearing the paper bag with the drawings on it, dressed in the clothes from the montage, and she appears to be picking her nose.

Cartman: Well, I never thought I'd be able to say this, but you look pretty damn repulsive.

Becca: Thanks!

Cartman: Now you can no longer manipulate my emotions, because you look fucking disgusting!

Both: Hooray!

Ms. Cartman enters the room.

Ms. Cartman: My, my, you two are so adorable, playing dress-up together.

Cartman: Mooo-ooom, we're not playing dress-up!

Ms. Cartman: Uh-oh, it looks like someone was playing by the litter box again! I guess it's bath time for Becca!

Cartman: Mooo-oom, NOOO!

Becca: I need to be stinky for Eric!

Ms. Cartman: Someone's being a silly-willy! [She takes the paper bag off of Becca's head and picks her up.] It's bath time, and then it's off to bed for little girls!

She takes Becca out of the room and shuts the door.

Cartman: Ah, goddamn it!

He kicks the wall and the "Project B" board falls down on his foot.

Cartman: Son of a bitch!
________________________________________

Later that evening, Charlie knocks on Stan's door. Stan is sitting at his desk, doing homework.

Stan: Come in.

Charlie: Are you decent?

Stan (rolling his eyes): Yes.

Charlie: …Are you sure?

Stan: Yes, I'm sure.

Charlie opens the door a crack and peeps in.

Stan: Well? What do you want?

Charlie cringes and comes in and closes the door behind her.

Charlie: Stan… Do I annoy you?

Stan: Yeah, sometimes, like right now.

He keeps doing his homework. Charlie looks sad.

Charlie: Do you only let me hang out with you 'cause Kyle makes you?

Stan: Huh?

Stan looks up from his homework.

Charlie: Because if I'm annoying, and I'm just being a pest and following you around, it's okay if you don't want me to hang out with you guys anymore. I understand.

Stan gets out of his chair and takes a few steps toward Charlie.

Charlie: I know it's not really my fault, but me living here with you… well, it kind of made it so you had to hang out with me. I mean, not that you'd be a jerk otherwise. You and Kyle and everyone are real nice. When I needed somewhere to stay, your whole family took me in. But it isn't fair of me to just barge into your group of friends and all. What I'm trying to say is, it's okay if you don't want me hanging out with you guys, even if Kyle or someone is telling you to let me.

Stan: Charlie… [He walks up to her.] I didn't mean that. You're not totally annoying. You're just a pest in a sister sort of way, I guess. And you're fun to hang out with… I mean, just as long as you don't act all girly or anything.

Charlie: Really?

Stan: Sure. And what was that crap about Kyle making me include you or whatever?

Charlie: Oh… I don't really know. It's just something Cartman said…

Stan: Cartman. I should have known. Charlie, listen to me: do not believe anything that Cartman tells you. Ever. Understand?

Charlie: So he was wrong? You didn't just pull the "no girls" card to get me to leave you alone?

Stan: No way, dude. That was… for another reason.

Charlie: Why?

Stan: Uh, can't tell you. Boys-only secret.

Charlie: Aw, fuck.
________________________________________

The next day, everyone is at school in the classroom, waiting for class to start. Cartman farts. The other four cover their mouths and/or try to fan away the stench.

Kyle: Sick, dude!

Cartman: [Loud sigh.] That was a good one. And we had breakfast burritos muy caliente this morning, so I can promise more where that came from.

Charlie: The only thing that smells worse than Cartman's farts is Stan.

Stan: Huh? What'd I do?

Charlie: I know all about Davy, Stan. I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Kyle: You still didn't tell her? Dude, you are such an asshole!

Kenny: (You're a fucking douche!)

Stan: …But…but I thought—

Charlie: Shut up, Stan, nobody cares what you think. Oh, and by the way, you're naked.

Suddenly, we see Stan again, and he's completely naked. The other four start laughing. We get a view of the whole classroom, and everyone is pointing at Stan and laughing. Suddenly, Principal Victoria walks in with two beautiful women.

Principal Victoria: Kids, guess who's come to visit your class? It's Megan Fox and Katy Perry!

Suddenly, all three of them see Stan and start pointing and laughing. Stan looks horrified.

Megan Fox to Katy Perry: It's so small!

Stan: Noooooo!

Suddenly, Stan sits up in bed. It was all a dream. He is breathing heavily and he looks freaked out. His alarm goes off.

Stan (startled): Ah!
________________________________________

The four boys and Charlie stand at the bus stop that morning. Stan looks shell-shocked. Kyle and Cartman argue.

Kyle: Cartman, just shut up! Indiana Jones could kick Han Solo's ass any day, with or without sci-fi technology.

Cartman: Dude, Indiana Jones is like, OLD. Seriously. A thirty-year-old Harrison Ford could totally take a forty-year-old Harrison Ford.

Kyle: Oh, come ON. He's not going to lose anything in five or ten years. He probably just gains experience. And that's not even the point. The point is—

Cartman: And if he gets to bring a sidekick to battle, you know Han Solo is going to fucking take him out. I mean, seriously. Han Solo has Chewbacca. Indiana Jones is stuck with that puny-ass Asian kid.

The bus pulls up.

Kyle: Hey! Short Round is awesome!

Kenny: (I liked the one where he played the president on the plane with the Russians and shit…)

Charlie and Stan get on the bus. Cartman and Kyle stare at Kenny.

Kyle: …Seriously? Air Force One Harrison Ford?

Cartman: That's totally weak, Kenny. That's the poor man's Harrison Ford.

Kyle and Cartman laugh at Cartman's last comment as they get on the bus. Kenny is pissed. Kyle and Stan sit together.

Kyle: Dude, what's up with you today? You don't look so good.

Stan: I had the weirdest dream last night. And I'm not so sure about keeping you-know-what a secret from you-know-who. I mean, she's gonna have to find out sooner or later, right?

Kyle: But, dude, she's gonna be so upset. Don't you think it'd be better to keep it a secret as long as possible?

Stan: I guess…

Kenny and Charlie are sitting together.

Charlie: So, what did you do this weekend, Kenny?

Kenny: (I fucked a few broads and got herpes. My balls itch.)

Kenny starts laughing. Charlie makes a face.

Charlie: Dude, that's gross! I was just trying to make polite conversation! Jesus.

Kenny: (It's me. What did you expect?)

Charlie shrugs.
________________________________________

They're in the classroom. Mr. Garrison is standing at the board, writing math equations.

Mr. Garrison: Okay, now who can tell me what 113 + 43 is? [Kyle raises his hand.] Someone besides Kyle, please. [Charlie raises her hand as Kyle puts his down.] Yes, Charlie?

Charlie: 156?

Mr. Garrison: Very good, Charlotte.

He writes the answer on the board.

Cartman: Goody two-shoes.

Mr. Garrison: What was that, Eric?

Cartman lets out a fart. Kyle, Charlie, and Kenny, as well as the other kids sitting near him (except for Stan) cover their mouths or fan away the smell.

Stan (to himself, looking frightened): Oh no.

Kyle: Sick, dude!

Cartman: [Sigh.] That was a good one. And we had breakfast burritos muy caliente this morning, so I can promise more where that came from.

Charlie: The only thing that smells worse than—

Stan: Ah! Okay! Okay! I admit it! CPS came and took Davy away yesterday! He's gone! He's in a new foster home in Denver! Are you happy? You pushed me to this! You all pushed me to this!

All the kids and Mr. Garrison stare at him blankly. No one says anything for a few seconds.

Mr. Garrison: Stanley, would you care to explain yourself to the guidance counselor?

Stan: …No.

There's silence for another few seconds. Charlie looks completely stunned.

Mr. Garrison: …Well, then, let's get back to triple-digit addition.

Charlie puts her head in her arms on her desk.

Kyle to Stan: Really? In the middle of class? With five hours of school left?

Stan: It just slipped out.

Kyle: Dude, you suck ass.
________________________________________

Charlie sits in the cafeteria, poking her food with a fork. She's sitting across from Cartman and Kenny. Kyle sits next to her and Stan sits next to him.

Kyle: Um, Charlie?

Charlie: I don't want to talk right now.

Kyle and Stan look at each other.
________________________________________

Out at recess, Charlie sits on a swing but isn't swinging. Kyle and Stan walk up to her.

Charlie: I don't want to talk.

Kyle and Stan look bummed. Cartman runs up to the swings. Kenny walks up behind him.

Cartman: Um, Charlie? Yeah, you're on my swing, bitch.

Kyle: Cartman, there are, like, three open swings right over there.

Meanwhile, Charlie slowly gets off the swing and walks away. Cartman stares at her as she walks away. She disappears from view.

Cartman: What the fuck? It isn't fun if she just leaves. [He shouts after her.] I totally just stole your swing! Doesn't that piss you off? Huh? You little fucker? [He pauses for a moment.] What the hell, she didn't even flip me off or anything.
________________________________________

Later, the five of them get off the bus. It drives away. Charlie starts glumly walking away.

Stan: Dude, our house is that way. [He points in the opposite direction.]

Charlie: I know. I'm just going for a walk for a little while.

Kyle follows her a little bit.

Kyle: Charlie?

Charlie: Sorry, Kyle. Honestly, you're the last person I want to talk to right now. You let them take Davy away. How could you let them do that?

Kyle stops following Charlie and she walks away.
________________________________________

Stan walks home by himself. He enters his house.

Sharon: How was school today, sweetheart?

Stan: Fine, I guess.

Sharon: Where's Charlie?

Stan: On a walk or something, I guess.

Sharon: Stanley—

Just then the phone rings. Sharon picks it up.

Sharon: Hello? Yes, this is Sharon. …Really? Where? Is he-? Oh, that's wonderful news! Could he come by the house? Thank you so much! See you in a little while! Alright, bye-bye.

She hangs up the phone and rushes past Stan to the front door.

Stan: Who was that?

Sharon: That was the case worker for the Pierzynskis. Oh, this is so exciting!

Stan: Why? What happened?
________________________________________

Charlie is sitting on the curb downtown. She's clearly still depressed. Kyle walks into view, rubs his arm nervously, then walks up and sits next to her.

Kyle: Hi.

Charlie: …Hi.

They sit awkwardly for a few seconds.

Kyle: Look, I'm really sorry about Davy, Charlie. I know that doesn't change anything, but—

Charlie: It's not your fault, Kyle. [She looks up.] I'm sorry for blaming you. It's not your fault.

They're silent again for a bit.

Charlie: Do you want to go hang out at Stan's house?

Kyle: Yeah, sure.

They get up to go when Sharon drives up next to them. She talks through the open window.

Sharon: Charlie! I've been looking everywhere for you! We've got some exciting news! Come on, get in!

Charlie glances at Kyle.

Charlie: Bye.

She gets into the car, which promptly drives away.
________________________________________

Back at the Marsh house, there are several cars parked out front. Becca is standing in front of the house with Cartman and his mom.

Cartman: Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.

Charlie: Shut up, fat-boy.

Becca: Charlie! Don't call Eric fat!

Charlie glares at her and Cartman smirks.

Becca: I'm sorry my sister was mean to you, Eric. I don't think you're fat.

Charlie: …Really?

Cartman: Well thank you, Becca. How kind of you to say so.

Sharon: Come on, kids, come inside! We have a surprise for you!

They all go into the house. Stan, Shelly, Randy, and a dirty and depressed-looking man with brown hair, wearing a T-shirt and jeans, are in the front room. Also, there's a police officer.

Charlie and Becca: Dad!

Mr. Pierzynski: Hey, girls.

Sharon: Isn't this just wonderful? I'll be right back—I have some snacks in the kitchen.

Charlie: I missed you so much, Dad!

Becca: Pick me up, Daddy!

Mr. Pierzynski lifts up Becca and puts her on his knee.

Mr. Pierzynski: How are my girls?

Becca: I'm great! I'm great!

Mr. Pierzynski: What about you, Chuck?

Charlie: I'm perfect now! This is the best thing that could have ever happened! You're back! Now we can live with you and we can get Davy back and everything will be normal again!

Mr. Pierzynski sighs and glances at the stern-looking policeman.

Policeman: Isn't there something you gotta say, Joe?

Mr. Pierzynski: Charlie… Bud…

Charlie (still hugging him): Yeah, Dad?

Mr. Pierzynski: I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but… I'm not really your dad.

Charlie's eyes spring wide open. The happy music stops. Everyone looks shocked.

Cartman: Oh, snap!

Sharon (cheerfully emerging from kitchen): Who wants some celebratory chips and dip?
________________________________________

The next day, Charlie trudges behind Stan to the bus stop, where Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are already waiting.

Kyle to Charlie: What happened yesterday, dude? Fat-ass keeps talking about "something" but he won't say what.

Cartman: I would hate to deprive you of the opportunity to recount the story again. Go on, Chuckie. Tell 'em what happened.

Charlie: …My dad's not my dad.

Cartman cracks up. The others respond more appropriately.

Charlie: And he's serving a ten-year sentence for armed robbery.

Cartman falls to the ground in laughter.

Kyle: …Whoa, I… I'm sorry about that, dude. What about your little siblings?

Charlie: My little half-siblings. They're his.

Cartman (hysterical): Tell it… Tell it again!

Kyle: But… if your dad isn't your dad, and he's in jail anyway, then what's gonna happen to you?

Charlie shrugs and looks down.

Cartman: Oh, I know. I looked it up last night. She's going to be put in the care of the government. Since she's too old to be very adoptable, she'll drift from foster home to foster home until she inevitably commits a crime and winds up in juvie, where she'll realize she's bisexual. When she gets out at eighteen, she'll enter a cycle of depression, cutting, drug use, and abusive relationships.

Charlie looks up, scared.

Cartman: She'll be dead by thirty-five.

Charlie bursts into tears.

Stan: I know you don't like her, but seriously, dude!

The bus pulls up.

Ms. Crabtree: HURRY UP! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!

As the kids get on the bus, Charlie is still sniffling.

Ms. Crabtree: HEY! WHAT'RE YOU CRYIN' FOR?

Charlie: I just found out I was a bastard, and now I'm gonna be a bisexual chain-smoking cutter.

Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Tough luck.

The kids walk down the aisle of the bus.

Kyle: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, Cartman's a bastard too.

Cartman: Hey, shut up, Jew!

Charlie: Surprisingly, it does.

Stan and Charlie sit down together.

Stan: Don't worry, dude. Cartman's a retard. I'll talk to my parents and ask them to let you stay longer.

Charlie: Really? You're the best, Stan!

Kenny (in the seat in front of them, kneeling and looking over it): (If Stan's family kicks you out, you can stay at my house.)

Stan: God, how would that work, Kenny? Your parents can't even afford to take care of you and your siblings.

Kenny: (Government subsidies.)